Difficult Time

It's been a while since I've blogged. For the past couple of weeks, I have put all of this part of my life on hold, which I never thought was possible since it's typically all-consuming.

My father passed away in early July. He was suffering from bipolar II and jumped from the top of a parking garage. I had seen him the day before and we had talked about his depression. I assured him that things would get better. He patted my leg and his eyes welled up and he gave a small nod. He asked me to stay a bit longer, but I told him I had a lot on my "to do" list. He hugged me - twice - and thanked me for supporting him. I told him I'd see him tomorrow, but tomorrow was the day he died.

I feel guilty and sad and angry and if I let myself think too much about him and his death, I feel nauseated. I'm writing about this because I wanted to let everyone know why I've been gone a while, but also to shout from the rooftop that if you know someone who is suffering from a mental illness, please please please talk to him about it and encourage him to get help. My dad was seeing a psychiatrist, but he didn't give it enough time to help him.

I went back to physical therapy today, but I'm not sure when I'm going to have the energy to devote to my health. I'm determined, though, so I know that it's only going to be a matter of time before I resume my treatment. For now, I just need to rest and try to find some peace.

Online Tutorial for Vulvodynia

The NVA just launched a fabulous new online resource, Everything You Need to Know about Vulvodynia. It is pretty comprehensive and includes everything from what it's like to be single and dating with vulvodynia to how to prepare for a doctor's appointment. Definitely worth checking out and sending along to friends and family.

live each day with hope

I started back with physical therapy a couple weeks ago after an 11 month hiatus and was feeling really good about it. I was able to insert the biofeedback sensor without any trouble, my physical therapist was able to do internal massage without too much pain, and I was enjoying being able to see real progress being made in my ability to relax my pelvic floor.

And then today I noticed some pain when my physical therapist began to apply the lidocaine. It was like a tightness and burning and tenderness near my clitoris that I hadn't really noticed before. I told my pt about it and she noted that the skin did look irritated.

Which of course made me think back to last July when I was in the same room, on the same table, having a very similar conversation about pain and skin irritation, only to be diagnosed six months later with lichen planus and vulvar vestibulitis.

I am at a breaking point. I am so tired of these false starts, the constant attempts at remaining positive and doing my best to feel hopeful even though what I often want to do is curl up in bed and sleep until this is over. If I have another major setback, I'm not sure where I will find the energy to keep going. And even as I type that, I know that I *will* find the energy - I always do - and that I will live each day with hope that the worst is behind me.

This will not define me. This will not define me.

"I will not let this define me, I will not let this define me...."
I have found myself chanting this a lot in the last week--usually when I'm headed to bed or taking all my meds in the morning or evening. I find that the vulvodynia takes up so much of my thinking and being, that I realize I'm in danger of turning into the vulvodynia girl. And that's the last thing I want.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me.
I don't want to feel sorry for myself.
I don't want to be dealing with this for years or for the rest of my life.
I want my fiance and I to be able to have a sex life.
I want to be normal.

A good article about vulvodynia...

I just came across this great article called, "A (Chronic) Pain in the Vadge" on feministing.com. Definitely worth reading!

Update on last week's appointment

After all that worrying about my appointment last week, I'm happy to report that it went well. I went home with more prescriptions (my mom just bought me a pill organizer - !), but the good news is that my "skin looks great," meaning that my inflammation has gotten better. I still experience pain - in fact, this week has been pretty bad, with me waking up in the night because of it - but at least the skin is starting to heal. Baby steps, right?

I can't say enough good things about my care-giver. I switched to the nurse practitioner who ran my wellness class and she was really really great. Not only did she take the time to answer my questions and explain everything without making me feel stupid (you'd think this would be the norm, but it's not), but she also was very sensitive to my "issues." She didn't just whip out a mirror to show me my vagina when I asked her about where I should be applying my topical ointment (I've had this happen a few times during exams, which makes me feel sick/anxious). She asked first and gave me alternatives to the mirror option. She also asked if I could handle the speculum, if I wanted her to insert it or if I wanted to insert it myself. This is the first time during an exam that I've been given choices and it went a long way toward easing my anxiety and making me feel in control.

In a couple of weeks I return to physical therapy. I'm looking forward to seeing my pt and moving forward. I don't want to be struggling with this same issue ten years from now...

Tyra Banks Show and Vag

I've yet to watch this and I've heard mixed things about a recent episode of the "Tyra Banks Show," which focuses on "married virgins," but it's great that she's bringing the topic of vaginismus into the mainstream. Any thoughts?