Tomorrow, tomorrow...

I have an appointment with a vulvar pain specialist tomorrow morning. The last time I had an appointment with a specialist at this same provider, it was a bad experience. I won't go into it, but let's just say I was left feeling vulnerable and anxious after having been forgotten in an examination room for close to an hour.

I switched care-givers the next day (it wasn't just the waiting, but a number of things - the waiting was what convinced me to follow my instincts and switch).

I am hopeful for what tomorrow brings - hopeful and anxious at the same time. I know the specialist I'm seeing - she led a wellness class I took last spring - and I really like her and feel comfortable with her. I know she will listen and remember my history. I know she will be patient as I ask question after question. But I'm dreading the actual examination. I have so much pelvic floor tension and have been in discomfort/pain for so long, that I feel physically sick when I think about how painful the examination might be.

This is counter-productive and feeds the cycle of pain. The more stress/anxiety I feel, the more tense I will be, the more my muscles will spasm due to this tension, the more pain I will experience. I know this in my head, I do, yet I can't re-train my brain to relax and let go, relieving those pelvic muscles of some of the tension and possibly allowing me to have a tolerable examination.

I just want this struggle to be over. I am so tired of this consuming my life. I don't want this condition to define who I am, but it's hard not to when it's what I think about a large part of my waking hours.

"The Pain Down There"

There's a great article about vulvodynia (pdf) in the Pain Community News, Spring 2009 issue, the newsletter of the American Pain Foundation. And it captures so well what I've been struggling to articulate these past few months without success: that, at its core, vulvodynia attacks your identity as a woman, your very sexual being. I've heard women describe this as "being broken" or "feeling incomplete." I've had friends talk about feeling "unattractive." All because of vulvodynia.

I feel all of these things. And that is harder to deal with than the discomfort and physical pain because of how my identity is impacted. Vulvodynia is chipping away at this part of me, little by little. This was most apparent the day I was in a bridal shop a couple of weeks ago, trying on wedding gowns and feeling pretty and feminine. I hadn't felt that way in forever. A part of me was sad, looking at myself in these wedding gowns, because I knew that I probably wouldn't be able to have intercourse on my wedding night. But, the over-arching feeling was that I felt attractive again.

From the bridal shop I went straight to a support group meeting for women with vulvodynia. My little reprieve from feeling like an incomplete woman was over as we talked about what it's like to live with this pain. It was a roller coaster of a day and I went home feeling exhausted and not sure what I could do to build back up my sexual identity.

This article helped. It provides some tips for increasing intimacy with your partner and for helping regain your self esteem. And it also gives some guidance on how you can manage or prevent your pain by doing things like wearing 100% cotton underwear or washing the vulva area with only water. Definitely worth reading and passing along.