live each day with hope

I started back with physical therapy a couple weeks ago after an 11 month hiatus and was feeling really good about it. I was able to insert the biofeedback sensor without any trouble, my physical therapist was able to do internal massage without too much pain, and I was enjoying being able to see real progress being made in my ability to relax my pelvic floor.

And then today I noticed some pain when my physical therapist began to apply the lidocaine. It was like a tightness and burning and tenderness near my clitoris that I hadn't really noticed before. I told my pt about it and she noted that the skin did look irritated.

Which of course made me think back to last July when I was in the same room, on the same table, having a very similar conversation about pain and skin irritation, only to be diagnosed six months later with lichen planus and vulvar vestibulitis.

I am at a breaking point. I am so tired of these false starts, the constant attempts at remaining positive and doing my best to feel hopeful even though what I often want to do is curl up in bed and sleep until this is over. If I have another major setback, I'm not sure where I will find the energy to keep going. And even as I type that, I know that I *will* find the energy - I always do - and that I will live each day with hope that the worst is behind me.

Tomorrow, tomorrow...

I have an appointment with a vulvar pain specialist tomorrow morning. The last time I had an appointment with a specialist at this same provider, it was a bad experience. I won't go into it, but let's just say I was left feeling vulnerable and anxious after having been forgotten in an examination room for close to an hour.

I switched care-givers the next day (it wasn't just the waiting, but a number of things - the waiting was what convinced me to follow my instincts and switch).

I am hopeful for what tomorrow brings - hopeful and anxious at the same time. I know the specialist I'm seeing - she led a wellness class I took last spring - and I really like her and feel comfortable with her. I know she will listen and remember my history. I know she will be patient as I ask question after question. But I'm dreading the actual examination. I have so much pelvic floor tension and have been in discomfort/pain for so long, that I feel physically sick when I think about how painful the examination might be.

This is counter-productive and feeds the cycle of pain. The more stress/anxiety I feel, the more tense I will be, the more my muscles will spasm due to this tension, the more pain I will experience. I know this in my head, I do, yet I can't re-train my brain to relax and let go, relieving those pelvic muscles of some of the tension and possibly allowing me to have a tolerable examination.

I just want this struggle to be over. I am so tired of this consuming my life. I don't want this condition to define who I am, but it's hard not to when it's what I think about a large part of my waking hours.