Update on last week's appointment

After all that worrying about my appointment last week, I'm happy to report that it went well. I went home with more prescriptions (my mom just bought me a pill organizer - !), but the good news is that my "skin looks great," meaning that my inflammation has gotten better. I still experience pain - in fact, this week has been pretty bad, with me waking up in the night because of it - but at least the skin is starting to heal. Baby steps, right?

I can't say enough good things about my care-giver. I switched to the nurse practitioner who ran my wellness class and she was really really great. Not only did she take the time to answer my questions and explain everything without making me feel stupid (you'd think this would be the norm, but it's not), but she also was very sensitive to my "issues." She didn't just whip out a mirror to show me my vagina when I asked her about where I should be applying my topical ointment (I've had this happen a few times during exams, which makes me feel sick/anxious). She asked first and gave me alternatives to the mirror option. She also asked if I could handle the speculum, if I wanted her to insert it or if I wanted to insert it myself. This is the first time during an exam that I've been given choices and it went a long way toward easing my anxiety and making me feel in control.

In a couple of weeks I return to physical therapy. I'm looking forward to seeing my pt and moving forward. I don't want to be struggling with this same issue ten years from now...

Tomorrow, tomorrow...

I have an appointment with a vulvar pain specialist tomorrow morning. The last time I had an appointment with a specialist at this same provider, it was a bad experience. I won't go into it, but let's just say I was left feeling vulnerable and anxious after having been forgotten in an examination room for close to an hour.

I switched care-givers the next day (it wasn't just the waiting, but a number of things - the waiting was what convinced me to follow my instincts and switch).

I am hopeful for what tomorrow brings - hopeful and anxious at the same time. I know the specialist I'm seeing - she led a wellness class I took last spring - and I really like her and feel comfortable with her. I know she will listen and remember my history. I know she will be patient as I ask question after question. But I'm dreading the actual examination. I have so much pelvic floor tension and have been in discomfort/pain for so long, that I feel physically sick when I think about how painful the examination might be.

This is counter-productive and feeds the cycle of pain. The more stress/anxiety I feel, the more tense I will be, the more my muscles will spasm due to this tension, the more pain I will experience. I know this in my head, I do, yet I can't re-train my brain to relax and let go, relieving those pelvic muscles of some of the tension and possibly allowing me to have a tolerable examination.

I just want this struggle to be over. I am so tired of this consuming my life. I don't want this condition to define who I am, but it's hard not to when it's what I think about a large part of my waking hours.