I'm feeling more optimistic today. Tomorrow is my first "mind and body" class, which will help me deal with all of my anxiety and also connect me with other women who are experiencing similar issues. And what's really great is that it is being taught by the nurses at the medical center where I go to see the specialist. I feel some relief that they can provide me with some guidance about how to apply these steroids. I feel like I'm just screwing things up down there.
What's ironic about all of this is that I used to complain about having to do my dilator homework. I dreaded it and thought it was a disruption. Now I can't even do the homework because I'm in too much pain. I never thought that I would long for the days when I was doing physical therapy, but here I am. I miss feeling successful, making tangible progress, and having the support of my physical therapist (who still calls me even though I haven't been there in months). Today I made several appointments with her starting in June, so that's my goal for getting back on track. I know I can do it!
Showing posts with label steroids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label steroids. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Pain
I have been feeling pretty blah the past few days. I am in pain -- physical pain -- pretty much all the time. And this physical pain just reminds me that I'm not getting better yet, which makes me feel down. This past week I've felt pretty hopeless that I won't ever get better and that I'll never be able to have sex or just feel healthy.
It probably seems like I'm one of the lucky ones -- that the doctors have finally figured out what is causing my problems, they've prescribed me some medication, and all I have to do is follow their directive and I'll conquer this. But it's not that easy. I guess it's never really that easy. I should probably know that by now.
Like many women with vaginismus (or maybe just many women? I don't know...), I have "issues" about looking and touching myself. I feel anxious and nauseated whenever I think about it, let alone attempt it. So when I try to apply this steroid ointment to the affected area, I feel paralyzed. I have a hard time breathing. And I can feel my whole body tense. I end up just blindly trying to apply it, which I don't think is too effective.
Meanwhile, I feel the clock ticking. I feel the pressure of time, because I already have some "architectural changes" and it will just continue to get worse if I don't manage it. I worry that if I don't conquer this phobia of mine soon, I will never be able to have sex, I'll never have children, I won't feel fulfilled.
During all this, I'm in the process of planning my wedding. One of the tips in a guide I picked up recently (a hipster guide), said, "have lots of sex." Helpful. I feel like I can't escape this and it just makes me feel stressed out and anxious and hopeless.
It probably seems like I'm one of the lucky ones -- that the doctors have finally figured out what is causing my problems, they've prescribed me some medication, and all I have to do is follow their directive and I'll conquer this. But it's not that easy. I guess it's never really that easy. I should probably know that by now.
Like many women with vaginismus (or maybe just many women? I don't know...), I have "issues" about looking and touching myself. I feel anxious and nauseated whenever I think about it, let alone attempt it. So when I try to apply this steroid ointment to the affected area, I feel paralyzed. I have a hard time breathing. And I can feel my whole body tense. I end up just blindly trying to apply it, which I don't think is too effective.
Meanwhile, I feel the clock ticking. I feel the pressure of time, because I already have some "architectural changes" and it will just continue to get worse if I don't manage it. I worry that if I don't conquer this phobia of mine soon, I will never be able to have sex, I'll never have children, I won't feel fulfilled.
During all this, I'm in the process of planning my wedding. One of the tips in a guide I picked up recently (a hipster guide), said, "have lots of sex." Helpful. I feel like I can't escape this and it just makes me feel stressed out and anxious and hopeless.
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