Tomorrow, tomorrow...

I have an appointment with a vulvar pain specialist tomorrow morning. The last time I had an appointment with a specialist at this same provider, it was a bad experience. I won't go into it, but let's just say I was left feeling vulnerable and anxious after having been forgotten in an examination room for close to an hour.

I switched care-givers the next day (it wasn't just the waiting, but a number of things - the waiting was what convinced me to follow my instincts and switch).

I am hopeful for what tomorrow brings - hopeful and anxious at the same time. I know the specialist I'm seeing - she led a wellness class I took last spring - and I really like her and feel comfortable with her. I know she will listen and remember my history. I know she will be patient as I ask question after question. But I'm dreading the actual examination. I have so much pelvic floor tension and have been in discomfort/pain for so long, that I feel physically sick when I think about how painful the examination might be.

This is counter-productive and feeds the cycle of pain. The more stress/anxiety I feel, the more tense I will be, the more my muscles will spasm due to this tension, the more pain I will experience. I know this in my head, I do, yet I can't re-train my brain to relax and let go, relieving those pelvic muscles of some of the tension and possibly allowing me to have a tolerable examination.

I just want this struggle to be over. I am so tired of this consuming my life. I don't want this condition to define who I am, but it's hard not to when it's what I think about a large part of my waking hours.

Anxiety Overload, part 2.

It's been a crappy couple of days for me. I've been feeling really lonely, I haven't been feeling good physically (the shooting pains are back), and this morning I woke up feeling really anxious. I can't seem to lose this anxious feeling.

My wedding is less than six months away and I can't stop wondering if I'll ever be able to have intercourse. If I'll ever be able to make out without experiencing pain. I don't want my fiance to agree to a life without physical intimacy, but I can't make any promises.

Some days, I have hope. And (more frequently it seems) some days I don't.

Ups and downs and ups...

I had a difficult week last week. All this time, the pain I've experienced has been mostly burning and just general discomfort. I usually compare it to getting something in my eye that's irritating. Annoying, yes, but not life altering.

But starting last Saturday, I felt a different kind of pain - a sharp kind of pain when I shifted in my seat or walked or wore jeans that were close fitting. I finally understand what a lot of the women who are in my class experience. And it really sucks. That pain has gone away for now, but I still worry that it's just under the surface.

I had a follow-up appointment with my specialist and she said that the inflammation has gotten better, but then why are my symptoms worse? She changed my treatment, so hopefully things will get better soon. I'm still trying to stay positive, doing some stretching and meditating, trying to eat healthier foods, and taking better care of myself in general. Stress exacerbates my condition, so I'm trying to eliminate that from my life as well (which is difficult these days).