Tuesday, November 9, 2010

In a year...

I can't believe it's been over a year since I last wrote. There have been moments in the last year where I've been tempted to write, but - for whatever reason - haven't. I've been in a funk lately, focusing on just the negatives - the pain I'm in every day, the inability to have intercourse (still!), the fact that I'm almost 35 and eventually want kids, but can't, and on and on and on into the self pity spiral I go.

So...instead...I am going to focus on the good things from the past year and try to give myself a little credit where I can.

1. The day after I moved to a new town, I had an appointment with a new physical therapist. That didn't work out - definitely wasn't the right fit (is this like dating or what?), but the fact that I didn't put it off is a definite positive.

2. I found a new physical therapist who is very encouraging and supportive in a kick-butt kind of way. She has confidence that I will conquer this and that, while I'll always have to deal with the skin issues, I shouldn't let that deter me from moving forward. When I feel hopeless, I try to remember how far I've come rather than think about how far I have left to go.

3. I have been seeing a new therapist who I really like. We've been focusing mostly on dealing with my dad's death, but I feel like the more progress I make in that arena, the more space I have to deal with all my v stuff.

4. With just occasional flares, I've been keeping the lichen planus under control even though applying the steroid ointment and estrace is still difficult for me.

5. I'm on an every-six-months cycle with my vulvar specialist. That has to be a good sign, right?

6. Even though I've moved away, I've continued to be close to my two "vulvodynia" friends who I met at a class over a year and a half ago. They are such an amazing support to me and are truly inspiring. I think I would have lost it a long time ago if it weren't for them.

OK...so 6 things is a good start. I also just celebrated my one-year wedding anniversary and, considering all we dealt with this year (new town, new job, new dog, the year anniversary of my dad's suicide, another memorial service, etc., etc.), I'm really proud of us. We're in it together.

Here's to the positive...


  1. congratulations! Do post again when u can - ur experiences inspire and encourage me

  2. Aw thanks - it's good to hear that. I'll be sure to post soon!

  3. I have Vaginismus too and decided tonight that I was going to make a blog about it. I searched to see if anyone else had and I found your blog. I'm glad you have a blog, I feel this condition is not talked about enough and many people don't know about it. I feel that the quietness about this condition makes those who have it feel like we are alone and weird...however that is not the case! Good luck with your journey I wish you the best and congrats on your 1 year wedding anniversary!

  4. Have you read about a place in New York trying botox for patients w/ vaginismus? It is a 2 week program. I'm guessing you have w/ all the information you have read/come across through this blog. Just thought I'd mention it... Not sure if I would try it or not even if I did actually have the crazy amount of money it costs. Half the time, even if you have insurance, they won't cover most of the treatment programs.

  5. I have vaginismus too, which I am working on every day. You should never feel hopeless. There are always things you haven't tried - always resources you haven't tapped. Just focus on the positive and hopefully soon you will be out of pain.

  6. Amanda, you seem so strong! I've been battling vaginismus too. The pain is overwhelming. I hope I can find a way to self treat. I also hear that there's surgeries. What do you know about those?

  7. Hi Sylvia,
    I haven't heard great things from v patients who have had surgery (basically it works for some, but not for most). I'd be happy to chat or email with you - I have quite a few resources that I could share! You can message me at emartin.vag(at)gmail.com. One book that I have found really helpful in combination with all the mind/body stuff is Dr. Pacik's "When Sex Seems Impossible." It made me realize I was using my dilators all wrong and I've made significant progress in a short amount of time by using them every day. Amazon has it if you're interested! Best of luck to you...