Pain

I have been feeling pretty blah the past few days. I am in pain -- physical pain -- pretty much all the time. And this physical pain just reminds me that I'm not getting better yet, which makes me feel down. This past week I've felt pretty hopeless that I won't ever get better and that I'll never be able to have sex or just feel healthy.

It probably seems like I'm one of the lucky ones -- that the doctors have finally figured out what is causing my problems, they've prescribed me some medication, and all I have to do is follow their directive and I'll conquer this. But it's not that easy. I guess it's never really that easy. I should probably know that by now.

Like many women with vaginismus (or maybe just many women? I don't know...), I have "issues" about looking and touching myself. I feel anxious and nauseated whenever I think about it, let alone attempt it. So when I try to apply this steroid ointment to the affected area, I feel paralyzed. I have a hard time breathing. And I can feel my whole body tense. I end up just blindly trying to apply it, which I don't think is too effective.

Meanwhile, I feel the clock ticking. I feel the pressure of time, because I already have some "architectural changes" and it will just continue to get worse if I don't manage it. I worry that if I don't conquer this phobia of mine soon, I will never be able to have sex, I'll never have children, I won't feel fulfilled.

During all this, I'm in the process of planning my wedding. One of the tips in a guide I picked up recently (a hipster guide), said, "have lots of sex." Helpful. I feel like I can't escape this and it just makes me feel stressed out and anxious and hopeless.