Monday, June 22, 2009

live each day with hope

I started back with physical therapy a couple weeks ago after an 11 month hiatus and was feeling really good about it. I was able to insert the biofeedback sensor without any trouble, my physical therapist was able to do internal massage without too much pain, and I was enjoying being able to see real progress being made in my ability to relax my pelvic floor.

And then today I noticed some pain when my physical therapist began to apply the lidocaine. It was like a tightness and burning and tenderness near my clitoris that I hadn't really noticed before. I told my pt about it and she noted that the skin did look irritated.

Which of course made me think back to last July when I was in the same room, on the same table, having a very similar conversation about pain and skin irritation, only to be diagnosed six months later with lichen planus and vulvar vestibulitis.

I am at a breaking point. I am so tired of these false starts, the constant attempts at remaining positive and doing my best to feel hopeful even though what I often want to do is curl up in bed and sleep until this is over. If I have another major setback, I'm not sure where I will find the energy to keep going. And even as I type that, I know that I *will* find the energy - I always do - and that I will live each day with hope that the worst is behind me.


  1. Hi,

    Don't give up. I'm sure one day you will look back and be glad that you didn't. Thanks for being brave enough to share your story.

    I'm Hua, the director of Wellsphere's HealthBlogger Network, a network of over 2,000 of the best health writers on the web (including doctors, nurses, healthy living professionals, and expert patients). I think your blog would be a great addition to the Network, and I'd like to invite you to learn more about it and apply to join at . Once approved by our Chief Medical Officer, your posts will be republished on Wellsphere where they will be available to over 5 million monthly visitors who come to the site looking for health information and support. There’s no cost and no extra work for you! The HealthBlogger page ( provides details about participation, but if you have any questions please feel free to email me at


  2. Hi, I just found your web site while searching for information about the Tyra Banks show from yesterday. (I didn't catch the show but my brother told me about it!)
    I am a 35 year-old female and have been married for 8 years. I have severe vulvar vestibulitis and have not been able to have intercourse at all my with husband, ever. I have had 2 surgeries, physical therapy, topical treatments, TCA treatments, and I can't remember what else. There has been some progress, but very little overall and the pain is unbearable. In the past year since my last surgery, I have pretty much decided to give up. I do not know what to do. The Botox suggestion from the Tyra show sounds interesting, and I may investigate it more. Thank you for your blog. I will continue to follow it and your story.

  3. Thanks so much for reading my blog and for commenting. I hope that you can find the motivation to keep going... My physical therapist was going to sit in on a botox procedure, so I can let you know what she thought of it (she's really quite incredible and I would trust her).